i wish i had basketball right now.

nothing beats the feeling of being absolutely exhausted but running your heart out on a fast break, just because you are driven to make that basket, to beat your player to the other end of the court.

nothing beats that feeling. breaking through everything, past everything, becoming totally free.

alive.

10:41pm monday 22nd june 09

hanging in the balance of insane and typical teenage girl.

should i just give up on this before it gets worse. mind is going crazy. totally overthinking things.

or am i?

i dont know what to do.

it will probably all fall back into place tomorrow and i'll feel like a dufus for worrying about it in the first place.

what if it doesn't?

hanging in the balance.

sunday 21st june 2009 10:16pm

hmm. confuse education. irrational thinking.

hmm. i know that this is not how it is supposed to be but i am so confused.
i think i fail at understanding guy language.
ohk, there is this quote from a movie i saw and it was like 'the one who has the most power in a relationship is the one who cares the least'. now yes i know that this was like the opposite to the moral of the story and the point of the movie was that this is not true. but sometimes i find that this does seem to be true, very scarily. and thats not good. because i dont think i am the one who cares the least, and at the same time it scares me if he is.
i think lots of things scare me. i think i am generally just a big irrational scaredy cat.
and here is me being open and honest, that i am at the point where i am totally lost and i don't know what to do next. there you have it.
i don't know what i am doing.
i feel totally vulnerable.
i don't want to be hurt.
like seriously i try so hard to appear like i totally know what i am doing, and that nothing phases me, nothing worries me, pretend like i don't freak out all the time that he may be thinking i am the biggest loser on the universe, or that he may suddenly think "what was i thinking liking her in the first place?'. it scares the heck out of me.
right now i need security.
and i feel like i have none. like seriously it's a relationship that isn't a relationship. but still manages to mess with my mind so bad.
what is that?
does that mean i am insecure? because i am not used to that. that is bad.
ohk happy thoughts. louisemay, you right now are being an idiot.
ohk so i've had my little vent sesh and i'm going to go and study now.
and yes i do know that i am being totally irrational. that i am being such a girl. and that i am thinking myself into a pit.
so stop thinking bad things now. because i am being irrational and guilt driven.

start studying for maths.

bye
louise may.
x

3:17 pm Saturday 20th June

school days. lizzie and me.

don't want to let go. friends are just the best.

thursday 11th lunchtime. sun on a cold cold day.

formal dresses and friendly dates.

guess what???
i bought a formal dress!!!
i'm so excited now, the formal feels like it is getting so close. and i kind of have a date now too. well.. sort of..
see i talked to ben about it, and he was under the impression that i didnt want to go with him at all. totes not true. it was funny because i was trying to hint to him that i did want to go with him, and he kept insisting that i had said that i didnt (which i still do not recall saying). i think he finally got the hint because somehow we came to the conclusion that i would go with him if no one else asked, he's calling it my 'runner up'. and yes i know that sounds so mean.
what he didn't get is what i was actually trying to say, but i got quite muddled along the way.
see honestly, i really want to go with him, more than anyone else. but obviously he would only be able to come to the pre dinner drinks and after party, not the actual formal, which would suck for both of us. that's why we said if someone else asks i will go with them. i just wish he could come to the actual formal. err my school is so stupid sometimes. :(
this makes me sad. but hey i have a date (as such) and i have a dress.
the dress i bought on sunday, it was so unexpected because i wasnt really even looking to buy, and the last place i wanted to get it was pink mint, which is where i got it.
ohkay description... it's red, like bright red, it has a high front and looks conservative front on, it just sits on the edge of my shoulders and then the back just falls from there, so it is very muchly backless which is my favourite part of it, and it goes so low at the back, but not in a scanty way at all. oh and the main thing which i'm not really letting any one in on, is it is finely beaded silk and catches the light so well that it almost.. sparkles? sounds yuck i know, but it's actually really nice!! so excited. i hope ben likes it. what if he doesnt? argghh!!
only thing is my sister hates it because it makes me look older. which was kind of a given, because i'm her little sister so it's weird for her to see me so dressed up and weird for her to look at me like that.
thats the only reason i'm a little precarious about it, she hates it. which scares me, because being a little sister i want her approval (although this is the only place i'll admit it). so i'm a little scared, because to pull the dress off i have to be really confident and because of her, right now i'm not.
well thats about it for tonight.
probs going to a movie with ben on thursday. can't wait :)
there is something about this boy that just makes me like him more and more all the time. but shhh... don't tell. that's our secret.
good night for now.
louise may.
x.

7:40 Tuesday 16th June 2009

mood capture.

here is my mood. get it. got it. good.
louise may
x.



free falling. john mayer.


Shes a good girl, loves her mama
Loves jesus and america too
Shes a good girl, crazy bout elvis
Loves horses and her boyfriend too

Its a long day living in reseda
Theres a freeway runnin through the yard
And Im a bad boy cause I dont even miss her
Im a bad boy for breakin her heart

And Im free, free fallin
Yeah Im free, free fallin

All the vampires walkin through the valley
Move west down ventura boulevard
And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows
A ll the good girls are home with broken hearts

And Im free, free fallin
Yeah Im free, free fallin
Free fallin, now Im free fallin, now im
Free fallin, now Im free fallin, now im

I wanna glide down over mulholland
I wanna write her name in the sky
Gonna free fall out into nothin
Gonna leave this world for a while

And Im free, free fallin
Yeah Im free, free fallin

taste of my own medicine.

ever heard the saying, you get what you give or reap what you sow or even what goes around comes around?
well i got a bit of a slap in the face with that today, realised maybe i should watch what i do and say, because it sucks so bad when someone does it back to you.
so i tease a certain someone who i shall name 'him' all the time about being whipped, and he knows i'm kidding, and as i said previously, it's totally a good thing. what i didn't realise is i sometimes use that to my advantage and don't think about what would happen if the tables were turned.
so cutting to the chase he turned the tables, and i guess it was kind of fair enough too. so when i said hang out after rugby meeting? and he said, no. i was like ouch. and when i said wait for me (to walk to art/music) he shook his head and said, yet again, no. ouch ouch ouch. so then pride went out the window and i was forced to act totally 'whipped' and went and caught up with him. and at that point i said byebye pride, hello slap in the face.
so i then became a little annoyed because i, like most people, dont particularly like to be rejected, even if the person was kidding, and then somehow in my mind formed the opinion that it was his fault. and then went onto the train of thought of i do this to him all the time. which followed with, wow i am totally overreacting.. and being a little jealous (didnt tell you bout that bit, dont plan to.)
so now i've realised that i am an idiot and what goes around comes around, so watch what you do, and dont get frustrated when the other person gives you a little bit of your own medicine.

although one little thing, a hug would be really nice to follow the metaphorical slap in the face of realisation.
going to the boys rugby game tomorrow, will make sure i get a good one before then. even if he doesnt know what it is for. who needs a reason?

louise may.
x.

9th June 5:31pm

perfect gentleman.

well no gold stars for whoever guesses what this is about.
ummm... benjamin.
don't you love it how when you are too nervous to say that things need to be taken back a step, that person comes along and i swear reads your mind and tells you that they are on the same page.
i'd just like to say that this is my idea of a gentleman. someone who does the things that neither person really wants to do, but that both know are important, and they do it simply because they know how hard it is for the other person to bring up, even if it might be even worse for them.
ohk, that may have made no logical sense, but it did to me.
so today i am happy because i realised that i finally chose a good guy, who knows what is best, what is easiest or most comfortable, and chooses the right path.

i just hope i don't screw it up, and that this one is in it for the long haul.

louise may
x.

8th June 2009 8:58pm

whipped?

ohk so the question has been lingering the past few days of who is whipped or not and what it means to be whipped.
well here's my definition. to be whipped is to like the person so much that you have to use every little bit of might inside of you to resist going along with every little thing that that person wants of you.
therefore i have come to the conclusion that i am entirely whipped.
but i have also come to the conclusion that this is totally not a bad thing as long as you have control over yourself, which i'd hope most people do, if they are of course their own person.
in saying that i would hope that any person in any kind of relationship.. or really close friendship would also be in the state that has been named whipped. and that this is in turn a compliment to either person in that relationship.
and so i have now grown to like this term 'whipped'.


i am whipped.
so is he.

song of the day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0NwFVsGX-k

I bit my tongue in the ark of conversation
I don't know why
I don't know why
I've met you once and I've fallen for your notions
I don't know why
I don't know why

Do you believe that there is treasures in the ocean
Did I say I'm just a boy
One kiss from you and I'm drunk up on your potion
That big old smile is all you wore

Girl you make me want to feel
Things I've never felt before
Girl you make me want to feel
Did I say I'm just a boy
Did I say I'm just a boy
You can hold me to that

No lonely hands grab my suitcase full of nothing
I don't know why
I don't know why

You took me in gave me something to believe in
That big old smile is all you wore

Girl you make me want to feel
Things I never felt before
Girl you make me want to feel
Did I say I'm just a boy
Did I say I'm just a boy
You can hold me to that

i can't catch.

ohkay, i'd just like to say here and now that i feel like the biggest idiot in the world, and i'm in so much flipping pain over one tiny little finger. who knew a finger could cause so much strife.
ok bit of background information here, i have been playing basketball for like 10 years now (not that i am playing at the moment.. but that's another story) anyway i have been playing a long time, so naturally i've caught a few basketballs wrong and ended up jarring/breaking/whatevering many of my fingers. usually i just shrug it off because it doesn't hurt too much and it's just a nuisance for a few weeks, but you know toughen up and get over it, it's just a finger.
right now, totally take back all of that because i was playing touch football in p.e today and caught the ball wrong, went at a funny angle, not to mention the boy who threw it, threw it very VERY hard, and oh my goodness it hurts so much!!! pretty sure it is broken, it's like crooked and swelled, and purply blue (and not the nice type). oh and on top of that, i would like to mention that it is like impossible to get a doctors appointment because of all these idiots who are overly cautious and think they have swine flu, when really it's just the common cold! i mean seriously get over yourselves, there is people with possibly broken pinky fingers here, and you are hogging all the doctors!
and yes i am totally overreacting because i'm so extremely exhausted and over tired but i don't care because my pinky finger is fat and purple and not very pretty.
but hey according to someone (not naming names, ben), it doesn't matter because the other ones weren't that pretty to start off with anyway... silly boy. of course he did say he was kidding and sort of redeem himself with a nice hug for sad sad me, but still.
yeah totes kidding, that fully wouldnt affect me (i am not that entirely lame and self conscious), they are fingers who cares what they look like. plus i like my unattractive fingers, except the fat purple one at the moment.

anyway, i've had my little complain for the day and other than that my day was sweet as. plus it's my right hand so i can't write and can probs get extensions on some school stuff.
can't wait for state of origin tomorrow night!!!
goodnight world, God bless.
louise may
x

I live the dream everyday.

Hey world, just thought i'd introduce myself to start off before i let you in to the inner workings of my mind.
well i'm going by the name of louise may here so i guess that's what you can call me. i'm 17, trying to get through year 12, maintain a social life and not drown in all the work. i would say that i'm just your typical teenage girl, but i don't like liars so i wouldnt want to be one. umm i do things a little differently to most and get bored and distracted very easily. when i am overtired, i go a little crazy so that's the best time to ignore anything i say or do.
i always wanted to start a blog and never got around to it, so while i was procrastinating my study away i thought, this is an opportune moment to finally do it.
umm likes...
art, it takes me to another world, big emotional outlet.
sport, it keeps me fit and uses up the extra energy i seem to always have, it helps relieve frustration and deals with the competitive/aggressive side. fave sport is basketball, can't get much better than that, despite some popular opinion.
GOD! he is the reason i live the dream everyday, he is the reason i feel sunshine, he is the reason i live the life i do, he is love in all good forms, he forgives and he punishes, he gets me through hurt and happiness, he provides and protects, he is all i will ever need.
if you have something against my God, you have something against me.
umm i love music, and wish i played an instrument, hope to pick up guitar after i finish school.
fashion, because it looks cool.
friends and family, although we have our problems, i know that when push comes to shove they are always the first to be there, and never let me down.
a boy by the name of benjamin. right now he's a friend. later down the track hopefully there will be something more. this is gonna sound like such a teenybopper thing to say, but i really like this boy.
spontaneity, sunshine and sillyness are the key to a good day in the life of me.

well thats it for now, it was nice to meet you but i'd better get some sleep or i will be sooo grumpy in the morning.
sweet dreams and God bless.
good night world.

louise may
x.