sorry about the lack of blogs lately. but i've been a bit busy and a lot of stuff has been going on in my home life that i am not comfortable to put on here. it's been pretty scary at times.
i'll fill you in in basic form real quick.

stuff that has been hurting me for a long time finally came out, this was how i was on the inside. i got to the point where the barriers i held them in couldn't maintain a hold and lock any longer, i broke inside and it all came flooding out in one great go. This was the worst it has been. (and there has been a lot- sorry i can't tell you details)

i broke down completely and now i have to try and rebuild.

i know i'm not on my own anymore. but i have to keep reminding myself that i can't actually do things on my own. i need Him. i need Jesus in my life to keep me sane, and keep me strong, and keep me together in one piece.

He is rebuilding me from the inside out and i'm trusting in the power of prayer. i know He will help me when i am alone and feel like giving up and He has sent amazing people to keep me going when i feel like giving up. Thank you Lord, all praise to you.

i had a rainbow day today after quite a while with way too much grey and only little sparks of colour in the distance. it's days like these that make it all worth it. maybe everyone who has been saying to give it time has a point. after all my God told me that everything will be okay, so i know i'll make it through, and be stronger for it.

and i am so thankful for being able to do athletics today, it's true that exercise really does release endorphins and put you in a good mood. other awesome things that followed only helped. i may not be completely over it all yet, but it's some big things i have to push through, and some parts where God has to carry me, but at least i know i am going to make it through, it is just gonna take a lot of work, a lot of time and a lot of faith and patience.

no matter what happens tomorrow, no matter what comes my way. i know i'm going to keep on going, i just gotta keep the faith and find other places that God has blessed me with that i can channel my hurt and frustrations.

umm just a spontaneous prayer..

Thank you Jesus for sport, for art, and for my friends. Thank you for the amazing things and people you've blessed me with to help me in my times of trouble and frustration.

I pray that one day I can return the favour and be that little bit of hope or inspiration to keep on battling for someone else.

I ask that you can continue to work in my life and give me a spirit of understanding and patience. I pray that you will help me not to bear a burden for things out of my control, and that you will intercede when I try to punish myself for things in the past.

Lord give me a new focus and new light and I pray that I will not be so easily distracted from the important things in life.

Thank you for all things beautiful and wonderful in this creation of yours, thank you for your forgiveness and eternal life.

In your precious name,

Amen.

so thats it for now.

gonna hit the hay, i'm exhausted.

love forever,

louise may xx

10:10pm 30th july 2009

p.s happy birthday justin! you are a true, loyal and trustworthy friend, an inspiration to me and really a God-send when i am in trouble. :)

5 key things

1. excitement today as i hit the basketball courts again for the first time in almost 8 months. that's insane. i may have only been refereeing, and only a little bit, but it's a start.
road to recovery is long and horrible. can't wait till i can start playing again!

2. athletics carnival yesterday. it was amazingly fun! i love sports days, it was my last ever.. so so so so so so so sad!!!
oh and elliot (my house) won!!! woot. only bad thing is we didnt win war cries for the first time in for-EVER!!! it's like a tradition that elliot wins. and we came sencond to booth. erggghh. how did that happen? we feel like we let down all of the past years, but we worked our asses off, seriously caitlin b passed out after because she was so stuffed from it. we should have won. it was rigged lol.
but the rest was amazing. i ran in everything, and got super involved and loved the whole day, oh and i came 2nd in 400m, 3rd in 800m. yewww!!!

3. mmm, so then last night was youth, and that was good in parts not so much in others. 1. it was freezing and we did a lot of outside stuff, progressive dinner. it didnt go that well. probably could have been more fun in places, the cold may have had something to do with this.
praise and worship was pretty good, started off not great, but got a lot better, till my sister came to pick me up a good half hour before youth was supposed to end. she can be so rude. i swear family doesnt understand that i honestly love God, i have faith in him, and i want to go to youth and church FOR THAT REASON, not because it's some form of weird cult or something (they actually act like it is). sister takes every chance she gets to pay it out, mock it, and say how bad it is, and seriously mum has no problem with me going out with non christian friends, doing who knows what, with who knows who, till all hours of the night. but she's really iffy about me going to church and youth or hanging out with friends afterwards (including at the youth pastors house AKA safest place in the world) and will make any excuse of why i am not allowed to go. i don't get it.

4. ohkay, a small joy. i had 2 conversations with ben that didnt involve the crappy thing i did, or the aftermath, or anything like that. may have only been passing conversation, like small talk, that didnt last very long at all. but hey, it's a start.

5. i am so thankful for Jesus Christ my Saviour and the forgiveness he brought to the world.

goodnight world.
xx louise may.

saturday 18th july 2009 7:04pm

school.

first day back at school after holidays today. i was sorta of, no, totally dreading it. term 3 of year 12 begins, the most important term. so much pressure to succeed. well succeed by the standards of my school, not by my own standards. success to me, is being happy right where you are. not studying and working till your brain explodes. and i havnt even tapped into the rumour factor yet. i think that what i dislike most, a personal life is never personal as long as your are in highschool. i guess people just can't help themselves. they have to know everything. and they find out one way or another, or just pick up bits and pieces they've heard and create their own truths.
i don't want anyone to get the wrong idea.
i guess thats a bit too late hey.

here's some photo's i found that kind of explain my angst towards going back to school.


p.s sorry if i'm a bit moody tonight. stressed already.


i wish i was this age again.
learning my abc's.
the world was so big.
life was so simple.
...i was much cuter than this kid though. haha.


i just love this classroom.
pretty random.
but it's old school cool.


this is what the board always looks like to me.
a scribble of things i try too hard to understand.
and if it's bio we're talking about, i exhaust myself trying.


found this on deviant art today.
thought it was funny.
it was titled: too much school will kill you.


art prac work.
it's my relief of the week.
this subject seriously gets me through the week.

found this definition of highschool on the internet:
highschool n.
that point in your life when you realise that everything CAN get worse and everyone IS out to get you...

well, it made me laugh.

tomorrow will be better. i promise.

living in the present, not the past or future.

goodnight world.
xx louise may.

11:03pm 14th July 2009

who i am. in a matter of words.

ohk so recently i was at christian life week, and they have a night called challenge night, it is designed to challenge and further your faith in God.
it wasnt as impacting as it usually is for me, but it did confirm something for me. i know who i am, and i know who i am in Christ, this is something that i didn't used to know, and a lot of people struggle with. i know that i am still growing as a person and in my faith, walk and journey, but i know who i am right now, i am confident in that person. it cannot be entirely summed up in a matter of words, because there is always new things i think of to add, and you can't put a person and their heart and soul on a piece of paper.
but here is what i could put on paper.

WHO I AM.

I am.
a person who makes mistakes
a not so typical teenage girl
trying to live a Godly life and stay on the narrow path
a person who values honesty and integrity
a fighter, a believer. i always have hope
someone who loves to laugh, have fun and forget about the drama around me
a basketballer and an art freak
someone who never gives up
a person who values life
forever seeking forgiveness, saved by Christ Jesus' mercy
a procrastinator, but a perseverer
affectionate
a stronghold to those who need it
brave when it is needed, afraid of my capability and inexperience
a free spirit
tied to God by a rubber band, no matter how hard i pull away, not matter how far i run, he always brings me home
afraid of falling
afraid of loving
afraid of trusting
afraid of losing the things and people i love and depend upon
trying my hardest to be a good example to the younger generation
strong
secure in my own person

I am not.
good at first impressions
what is expected on face value
a person who talks about friends behind their back. i deal with problems upfront
someone who sleeps around
faultless
defined by what i do, but who i am
quick to trust. i struggle
a liar
what people tell me to be
a pushover
someone who backs down when i love, i hold on tight and keep hope

11:28pm 12th july 2009

truth hurts?

the truth hurts, yeah.
but i think it hurts even more to know that someone is lying to your face.

it sucks to know that someone has abused the trust you have in them, yeah, but please admit to doing something wrong, rather than blatantly denying it. a simple apology would have felt better, and then i could tell you that it's okay, because i have already forgiven you.
so yeah, i forgive you, even though you lied to me.

i would rather that you be honest about what you have said, than lie to make me feel better, or to cover yourself, whatever the reason was.

i made a huge mistake and i owned up to it, even though it was really hard, and it really hurt. even though it would have been easier not to tell you and pretend that everything was okay still. i told you because i care about honesty and integrity, and because i care about you.

can you please just do the same for me? i have already forgiven you, i am already over it. it's ok.

yeah i am hurt that you said the things you said, but i won't be angry at you, if you just tell me the truth.

the truth hurts, yeah.
but i think it hurts even more to know that someone is lying to your face.

10:35pm 12th july 2009

attitude determines the person you will become.

attitude determines the person you will become.
just got home from youth. it was great, laura was preaching which is a change to usual, because normally it's pastor jim, and laura's a youth leader.
i actually didnt expect to get much out of tonight, and my mind was on other things but i was shocked by just how much i did.
her main points were about learning to love yourself as God loves you, and learning to love others as God loves them, and that a good attitude will follow.
long story short, in the middle of her message, she kind of hit what i guess you would call a block, she didn't really know what to say or where to go from where she was, and she needed help. i really felt for her, because her message had been so good and so relevant up to that point but it was as if she just got completely lost and had no words really, or kind of like she couldnt make sense of what she had written and what she was thinking.
at that point i felt God saying to get up from my seat and go and pray for her into the microphone infront of everyone, which to me, i was like haha no way am i doing that, so i left it and she seemed for a minute like she had kind of got back on track a bit, then she kind of got lost again, and God was saying so strongly to her, go and pray for her, go and pray for her. and i was still kind of pushing him away saying no, no, i can't, then i swear he said straight to me, step out of your comfort zone, she needs this right now, prayer is the only thing that can help, ask God to give her the words.
next thing i knew i was out of my nice front row seat, taking the microphone out of her hand and praying to our awesome God that she would be given the words she needed, and that God could speak through her to deliver the message we needed to hear.
oh my gosh, i was so scared, i was like shaking.
but the amazing thing, i guess faith as small as a mustard seed ey, because it worked, after that she had the words to preach and she spoke so well and the atmosphere of the whole night changed completely.
so yeah i guess i learnt that sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone, because God conquers all and he will lift you through the things that are tough, and mould you into a better, stronger person because of it.
oh and that your attitude towards things determines the person you will become.
(Laura you actually taught me that one later on when we were praying in small groups, you are a true inspiration)
so yeah thanks Laura, and thanks Jesus Christ, my Almighty Saviour, the Conquerer Of All.

goodnight world.
xx louise may.

But now this is what the Lord says - he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you Israel:

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honoured in my sight, and be I love you, I will give nations in exchange for you, and peoples in exchange for your life.
Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west.
I will say to the north, 'Give them up!' and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.' Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth -
Everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made."

Lead out those who have eyes but are blind, who have ears but are deaf.
All the nations gather together and the peoples assemble. Which of their gods foretold this and proclaimed to us the former things? Let them bring in their witnesses to prove they were right, so that others may hear and say, "It is true."
"You are my witnesses," declares the Lord, "and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me.
I , even I, am the Lord, and apart from me there is no saviour.
I have revealed and saved and proclaimed - I, and not some foreign god among you. You are my witnesses," declares the Lord, "that I am God.
Yes, and from ancient days I am he. No one can deliver out of my hand. When I act, who can reverse it?"

ISAIAH 43:1-13

a mistake i won't make twice.

hey world i guess i've been out of action for a while, just needed some time to recollect my thoughts. i did something really stupid, a really massive mistake and regret. but i'm working through it, i'm going to get through it, i just hope that the relationship will make it also.

so here's my way of recounting to you what you've missed.

13"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

choice of two paths. i picked the wrong one.

wednesday 24th june. state of origin night. i messed up. big time.

excuse? none.

i'm sorry ben.

friday 26th june. this is my head right now.

there is no such thing as calm before the storm.

i told ben. no matter the consequence. i'd rather him know the truth and it come from me, then hide it, and base our relationship on a lie. thats how much i want it to work.

saturday 27th june. waiting game. fear of loss. hope for forgiveness.

sunday 28th june.

hope.

you said you would give me a second chance.

you said it would take a long time to trust me again.

you said we would start over.

you said you would try.

the argument.
what changed, within the space of a few hours?
i guess you have the right to be angry.
but i thought you were going to give me a second chance.
i thought you were going to try.

i know that you wish i hadn't done what i did.
i know because i wish it even more.

i hurt you.
now you have hurt me.

do you feel better now?

now that i am even more broken.

don't you realise the hurt i already felt. i felt pain at that i had hurt you, who i cared for more than anything of this world. but i hurt me too. i denied myself. i changed myself. i pushed aside my morals. i pushed aside my God.

everything i believed in, and cared for. i denied in one stupid night, for reasons which i don't know.

was hurting me even more supposed to make it even or something?

not even close.

now we are just both in even more pain.

alone.

ashamed.

you won't look at me anymore, and see me. all you see is what i did.
i miss you.

i miss us.

all i wanted was security.

i was just so scared that you would be the one to hurt me.

so i did what i did.

it turns out i was the one who hurt me, and i hurt you too.

i didnt realise what i had, until it was too late.

i didn't think you cared.

i was stupid.

and now i'm scared that i can't fix it.

i promise i won't make the same mistake again.

if you will just forgive me.

i want my best friend back again.

i needed security.

tear soaked. i tried to let go.
i couldnt do it.

it was just me and my thoughts.
monday 29th june till friday 3rd july.
a week without you.

everytime i sat down, all i thought of was you. i couldnt bring myself to smile, to have fun, without feeling guilty for hurting you.
i couldnt stop and think, without thinking of you.
so i decided i won't stop, i will keep going. i will keep busy.
all it did was wear me out, all it did was shut my emotions away.
i detached myself from everything while i was up on that mountain.
it was just pretend.

friday 3rd july. youth.
i am exhausted. mentally, physically, emotionally.
i can't push the emotions away anymore.
i just want you to look at me like you used to.
i know that you wont.
i feel ashamed of myself.
i feel it all the time.
i thought i had finally forgiven myself.
it's harder than it seems.
i can't forgive myself, because i know i am still hurting you.

do i have the right to still retain hope?

always have hope.

always have faith.

always have love.

i speak from the heart.
this here is me. not what i have done.

sorry.

louise may.