speak from the heart: a mistake i won't make twice.

hey world i guess i've been out of action for a while, just needed some time to recollect my thoughts. i did something really stupid, a really massive mistake and regret. but i'm working through it, i'm going to get through it, i just hope that the relationship will make it also.

so here's my way of recounting to you what you've missed.

13"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

choice of two paths. i picked the wrong one.

wednesday 24th june. state of origin night. i messed up. big time.

excuse? none.

i'm sorry ben.

friday 26th june. this is my head right now.

there is no such thing as calm before the storm.

i told ben. no matter the consequence. i'd rather him know the truth and it come from me, then hide it, and base our relationship on a lie. thats how much i want it to work.

saturday 27th june. waiting game. fear of loss. hope for forgiveness.

sunday 28th june.

hope.

you said you would give me a second chance.

you said it would take a long time to trust me again.

you said we would start over.

you said you would try.

the argument.

what changed, within the space of a few hours?
i guess you have the right to be angry.
but i thought you were going to give me a second chance.
i thought you were going to try.

i know that you wish i hadn't done what i did.
i know because i wish it even more.

i hurt you.
now you have hurt me.

do you feel better now?

now that i am even more broken.

don't you realise the hurt i already felt. i felt pain at that i had hurt you, who i cared for more than anything of this world. but i hurt me too. i denied myself. i changed myself. i pushed aside my morals. i pushed aside my God.

everything i believed in, and cared for. i denied in one stupid night, for reasons which i don't know.

was hurting me even more supposed to make it even or something?

not even close.

now we are just both in even more pain.

alone.

ashamed.

you won't look at me anymore, and see me. all you see is what i did.
i miss you.

i miss us.

all i wanted was security.

i was just so scared that you would be the one to hurt me.

so i did what i did.

it turns out i was the one who hurt me, and i hurt you too.

i didnt realise what i had, until it was too late.

i didn't think you cared.

i was stupid.

and now i'm scared that i can't fix it.

i promise i won't make the same mistake again.

if you will just forgive me.

i want my best friend back again.

i needed security.

tear soaked. i tried to let go.
i couldnt do it.

it was just me and my thoughts.
monday 29th june till friday 3rd july.
a week without you.

everytime i sat down, all i thought of was you. i couldnt bring myself to smile, to have fun, without feeling guilty for hurting you.
i couldnt stop and think, without thinking of you.
so i decided i won't stop, i will keep going. i will keep busy.
all it did was wear me out, all it did was shut my emotions away.
i detached myself from everything while i was up on that mountain.

it was just pretend.

friday 3rd july. youth.
i am exhausted. mentally, physically, emotionally.
i can't push the emotions away anymore.
i just want you to look at me like you used to.
i know that you wont.
i feel ashamed of myself.
i feel it all the time.
i thought i had finally forgiven myself.
it's harder than it seems.
i can't forgive myself, because i know i am still hurting you.