hmm. confuse education. irrational thinking.

hmm. i know that this is not how it is supposed to be but i am so confused.
i think i fail at understanding guy language.
ohk, there is this quote from a movie i saw and it was like 'the one who has the most power in a relationship is the one who cares the least'. now yes i know that this was like the opposite to the moral of the story and the point of the movie was that this is not true. but sometimes i find that this does seem to be true, very scarily. and thats not good. because i dont think i am the one who cares the least, and at the same time it scares me if he is.
i think lots of things scare me. i think i am generally just a big irrational scaredy cat.
and here is me being open and honest, that i am at the point where i am totally lost and i don't know what to do next. there you have it.
i don't know what i am doing.
i feel totally vulnerable.
i don't want to be hurt.
like seriously i try so hard to appear like i totally know what i am doing, and that nothing phases me, nothing worries me, pretend like i don't freak out all the time that he may be thinking i am the biggest loser on the universe, or that he may suddenly think "what was i thinking liking her in the first place?'. it scares the heck out of me.
right now i need security.
and i feel like i have none. like seriously it's a relationship that isn't a relationship. but still manages to mess with my mind so bad.
what is that?
does that mean i am insecure? because i am not used to that. that is bad.
ohk happy thoughts. louisemay, you right now are being an idiot.
ohk so i've had my little vent sesh and i'm going to go and study now.
and yes i do know that i am being totally irrational. that i am being such a girl. and that i am thinking myself into a pit.
so stop thinking bad things now. because i am being irrational and guilt driven.

start studying for maths.

bye
louise may.
x

3:17 pm Saturday 20th June